Lauren's planet

On the up (ish...)

2011-01-29T08:41:00.000-08:00

Well things with work are better now. I am moving teams and i will have a desk. I am so grateful for a good friend there, she knows how thankful i am. She is one of those i could do with spending more time with outside of work as she keeps me laughing and seeing how things can be ok. She has her problems herself but is coping.
i have been diagnosed with pcos. Its something i have known for too long and one thing i didn't think i had until i accepted that i did. This being confirmed has made me down but as other things around me go better i know i will have support. I didn't want a lot of people to know but i guess word gets out and then people fuss which can be annoying but i guess life is like that.

Update

2011-01-21T13:50:00.000-08:00

Well work is shit, don't know where I stand and I think I am being pushed. Moving team within next week so yet another change for me.
I have had a good back up of union and an angel called Gillian .
Plus a puzzle of a life I have is starting to come together.
This poem is in a sleep app. Love it and it will keep me going.

Deep peace of the
running waves to you.

Deep peace of the
flowing air to you.

Deep peace of the
quiet earth to you.

Deep peace of the
shining stars to you.

Deep peace of the
Son of Peace to you.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Background

2010-09-17T10:59:00.000-07:00

I work in the background and I like to live in the background. I am at this time feeling unhappy and without a cause really. I go to update my status and I have nothing to say. I use music as a way of trying to forget about why I am unhappy. I try and smile when I have to and say I am ok when really I’m not. People know I’m not. People at work sometimes do. They gave up after a few days of asking if I’m ok. The last time they asked I said I was good. This meant to them they didn’t have to ask any more. I think they got used to it and got fed up. Works ok for me, I get left alone and at the moment that’s how I intend to be. I don’t like being here. Many reasons that all mount to the fact I want to do the CST job. I was never going to get there as it was a dream job. A dream that would never come true and was never meant to be true. I know I have a path to go somewhere but as usual I have no idea so I plod on alone hoping for a rainbow to show me that things are ok and I’m being thought of from beyond where I am. I saw a rainbow and I know I’m ok but I still feel sad. Hope still lives in me even though I don’t feel like it sometimes it still carries on. I guess I have to keep on and see what life brings me on my path. Its been a crap path but with very nice flowers.

Flats, rant and what the hell is his problem?

2010-07-10T08:03:00.000-07:00

I am talking about my dad. The one who usually i can relay on when it comes to some things and i thought we had got closer this last year or so. I do a hell of a lot for him and i try and stop the stress, to save him from getting sick or worse. I try ever so hard and like always with people i give a lot and i don't expect back but what i would like is some respect and a thank you. or maybes something like a nice thing for me for once.
That's one of the reasons i want and need to move out. I am 27 and need a life. I keep being told and people talk behind my back about how lonely they think i am and how i need to find a man and how they think they know best and how if only she did this, that and whatever. well ones thing is for sure i haven't been able to do all whatever they think i should have done because of them! yes that's right its due to running around after 3 people (mum, dad and Sophie) that i have managed to create a life where i don't actually have one. I get called upon to fix something or just to be there and i am fucking sick of it.
Once i move out that's one thing i will never do again, be on call for them and whatever else they want me to do because i don't need it anymore.
If i buy something for them or for the house its either not welcome or its a nice thing for them, no thanks no fucking nothing. they say they listen but they aren't, they say they have time for me but they don't. Only time for themselves and no fuck else.
I applied for a flat on Friday. Please God let one come soon so i can get the fuck out.
Just said no for something. Didn't go down well but that's the sort of feeling they will have to cope with as i am out of here as soon as i can.
Rant over. still feel like shit.

Update later....

2010-06-28T06:35:00.001-07:00

Just thought I'd check in today hello. Going to see if I can get on here more as a lot is going on and nothing is being said!
Be back soon!
Loz

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

It's how I am feeling and it says it all. Amazing.

2010-05-31T11:50:00.000-07:00

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

(Intro)

Yeah, It's been a ride...
I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one
Now some of you might still be in that place
If you're trying to get out, just follow me
I'll get you there

(Verse 1)

You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em
But you won't take this thing out these words before I say 'em
Cause ain't no way I'm let you stop me from causing mayhem
When I say 'em or do something I do it, I don't give a damn
What you think, I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if a thing's stopping me
I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony
No if ands or buts don't try to ask him why or how can he
From Infinite down to the last Relapse album he's still shit and
Whether he's on salary, paid hourly
Until he bows out or he shit's his bowels out of him
Whichever comes first, for better or worse
He's married to the game, like a fuck you for christmas
His gift is a curse, forget the earth he's got the urge
To pull his dick from the dirt and fuck the universe

(Hook)

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

(Verse 2)
Ok quit playin' with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap
I shouldn't have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it's a rap
You said you was king, you lied through your teeth
For that fuck your feelings, instead of getting crowned you're getting capped
And to the fans, I'll never let you down again, I'm back
I promise to never go back on that promise, in fact
Let's be honest, that last Relapse CD was "ehhhh"
Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground
Eminem Not Afraid lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com.com/eminem-not-afraid-lyrics.html
Relax, I ain't going back to that now
All I'm tryna say is get back, click-clack BLAOW
Cause I ain't playin' around
There's a game called circle and I don't know how
I'm way too up to back down
But I think I'm still tryna figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't
This fucking black cloud's still follow's me around
But it's time to exercise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!

(Hook)

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

(Bridge)

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now

(Verse 3)

It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me
Admittedly I probably did it subliminally for you
So I could come back a brand new me, you helped see me through
And don't even realise what you did, believe me you
I been through the ringer, but they can do little to the middle finger
I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of
My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers, and drop dead
No more beef flingers, no more drama from now on, I promise
To focus soley on handling my responsibility's as a father
So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof like my daughters and raise it
You couldn't lift a single shingle lonely
Cause the way I feel, I'm strong enough to go to the club
Put a ??? and lift the whole liquor counter up
Cause I'm raising the bar, I shoot for the moon
But I'm too busy gazing at stars, I feel amazing and

(Hook)

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

Fire!!!!

2010-05-03T07:03:00.000-07:00

Yep just had a new experience. A fire next door meant we had to escape house and go to a safe place. I have said my part to fire chief and gone though the whole thing, then had a cup of coffee round at the Fraser's.
What a bank holiday!

Metro

2010-04-26T11:11:00.001-07:00

Saw man with budgie pants, why do they do that?
And why do I never sit down and people watch?
Could do with some news so I can start being happy again.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Hope, worry, fear and need

2010-04-20T12:26:00.001-07:00

I feel like shit because things are going to be OK. This always happens when i worry. I still worry though. Not sure if i like this feeling. Was it a bad thing i did or not? will i ever get what i need?
For fucks sake i wish i could sleep this feeling off and wake up knowing i am back in my job and get on with my plans for my life and stop thinking about this shit. I don't need this, i need other things to happen. People ask how i am, i say i am OK but i am not OK. I am taking work to heart and i don't need to be. i am on a sinking ship and i wouldn't mind dieing to be honest, at least i wouldn't have to do the job i am at the mo and have to cry myself to sleep or have to build the energy just to get up each day and get on with the shit i have to cope with.
Please God, be with me tonight, Wednesday and every other day until i can get this sorted in my head, heart and in life. I need you and i need you to get me there, to get them there and understand. For them to do their job so i can do mine that i love.
Thanks

Truths

2010-04-11T14:06:00.001-07:00

I may not have alot of friendships but what I have Is what I need.
I may not have a lover, but I know I am loved.
I may not have my own place but I have the will and strength for the time.
I may not leave alot behind but what I do will be great.
I am me. I am Lauren. I am what I was made to be, meant to be and that is how I will be.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

One walk ahead of camel....

2010-04-11T11:55:00.000-07:00

Yes I went for a walk and met the famous camel in my village. No joke.
Yes her name is gabby and shes very nice. Met some sheep too.

Blogging is for me......

2010-04-09T14:46:00.000-07:00

So I'm looking for a blog app for my mac. keep finding ones i have to pay for. Might as well get iworks. Worth money and its apple based. Koogle says i should, someone who is very tech says i should, apple would say i should so i will save up even though i don't need to i will. I'll make it a birthday present?!!
bye for now
L. x

House.....

2010-04-05T08:18:00.001-07:00

Started watching house and yet again my DVD recorder broke. Why does it do that? i can't really get a new one as it works OK as a player but doesn't like recording. If only the parents had sky so i wouldn't have to record crap like lost. House i don't mind as i love it and can watch it, not a waste of my time.
Been shopping and got some new sheets. woo hoo what a blog today! here's a picture i like for my mac desktop (why do they call it that when its a PC thing isn't it?)

Two songs i love and say a lot about how i am feeling....

2010-04-02T14:19:00.000-07:00

This is all i have, to say and do today. This is me right now.

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

...............................

Happiness, it hurt like a train on a track
Coming towards her, stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with a drink
and washed it away down the kitchen sink

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming so you better run

Run fast for your mother run fast for your father
Run for your children and your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your loving behind you
Can’t carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
the dog days are done
Can’t you hear the horses
Cuz here they come

And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had
and what was left after that too. oh.

Happiness it hurt like a bullet in the mind
Stuck them up drainpipes
by someone who should know better than that

The dog days are over
The dog days are gone
can you hear the horses
Cuz here they come

Run fast for your mother and fast for your father
Run for your children for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your loving behind you
Can’t carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are gone
Can you hear the horses because here they come

short but a goodin

2010-03-31T12:34:00.000-07:00

Today i found that i am worth fighting for. Two bosses want me back where i belong and for the second time where i work i feel valued. It's a rare thing where i work and it should always be noted in the life of the place as sometimes it can be the best place to be but it can also be really shitty. Today its good and I'm glad.

The picture shows a port in america. Port Royal. One of my fave places other work.

Luck me a lady......

2010-03-28T07:09:00.000-07:00

Long time no blog. I must come here more often, might help when I need a rant. Had a moment today with someone at church. The thing with people thinking I don't mind gets me too today. I guess its one of those days where i get upset, it's just this time it was a person and not the passion story.

Life goes on i guess and so will this blog. downloaded "Luck be a lady" & "Somewhere over the rainbow" just so you know.

toodles,

Loz

Mac

2010-03-09T00:55:00.000-08:00

Got a mac now so can do blogs more often i think. Not sure if that's a good or bad things but i think it will show in time. I am glad i got it as i think i needed my own space in a laptop and didn't have that in either PC or the laptop we shared as a family. plus i get to put whatever i like on it without the whole blah blah thing.

Going today to spend some times with James and see Sam. Treat her a bit and see how things are.

Sorted some stuff in my head last night. i guess i have got over it and needed to sort.

there you are for a while.

Lauren

Smoke and jazz

2010-02-21T11:28:00.001-08:00

I'm feeling run down, tired and pretty sick of the world. Nobody knows though as I am smiling and keeping the peace. I just hope I am not heading for a crack.
Found below pic. Looks like my world, slowly melting but looks sweet enough for now.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

My back garden!

2010-01-01T12:55:00.001-08:00

Yes I'm snowed in! Must rent a jcb to get out!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2010-01-01T12:49:00.000-08:00

This is a cartoon version of me. Some of its what id like to be some of its what i am. i guess its ok.

Update, rant and vent

2009-09-09T12:24:00.000-07:00

So its time to update the blog. I should really be on here more but then i guess it will become a duty to me or people who view it (do anyone??)
So other than work stuff and a new tosser there, better manager and feeling better about myself nothing much has happened.
Been to America, what a trip it could have been if i had been left alone for a while, without doing the "family" thing, i do love them alot but i need my space and holiday too which is why i am planning a few holidays so i can do just that. get away, have me time and spend some me time with some other family i never see and love just as much.
OK I'm off again, prob see ya in 6 months or so?
Who knows?

Life goes on.........??

2009-02-15T07:02:00.000-08:00

Hey,

Been a while. I don't know how to explain how i am feeling today as its gone from frustration to a bit sick to feeling happy where i am. It has just changed to amazement as a friend i have known since i was 7 is pregnant. Her mum died at Christmas and i know she has come out stronger even though she will feel she has lost both legs and maybes an arm. Losing my mum is something that scares the hell out of me. Not just my loss but the loss for my dad and two sisters. then there is extended family, friends and the list goes on. so i have no idea how she is or how she does it but i think i would know if it happened to me or even just thinking of that.
I have a week full of bus journeys ahead of me so blog may be busy!
Toodles
Loz
x

That's My hedge!!

2009-02-08T08:18:00.000-08:00

Fans of twitter or listen to chris moyles should know all about this should know about this!!

Snow, stuck in house and sauage 'n' Egg sarnies

2009-02-07T06:35:00.000-08:00

Just had a sausage and egg sandwich from new local shop, very yummy. Sick of snow though. Might go and build snowman to cheer up.
May be back here sooner than i think.....
Toodles

My cat Kipper

2009-02-06T11:38:00.000-08:00

He is one of the best cats to snooze with and is always pleased to see you. All good!!

This week in Lauren's Life

2009-02-06T09:07:00.000-08:00

Well another day at work and I think I can say it’s been one weird week. Snow Monday meant taking Tuesday and Wednesday off. Tuesday wasn’t a good day but it’s all a build up of things which have meant it has to boil over at some point. Wednesday was much better. I think it’s due to me getting out the house and having some “me time”.
So my week has gone from cold, frustrated to feeling valued by family I think about but didn’t realise that I should let them know this in some way as it helps in more ways than one.
I was told I sound like the strongest person they know. I don’t think of myself as strong but looking at what I have been though, what I deal with (home and work) I could be but I still don’t feel it. It’s like when my mum told me I am her hero. It’s too big to take in and I don’t feel it. Does anyone feel it when they are told? Other than maybe a few tears of happiness or joy but do people really feel any different?

This song says more about moments in my life than you think

2009-02-05T12:27:00.001-08:00

Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face
Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet
Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud
I'll live for you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem ...... why are you crying
Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect

Valued

2009-02-05T10:49:00.000-08:00

I have felt valued by my family today. I did a 25 random things about me on facebook and i thought i may have "opened" up too much but i wasn't going to delete anything. Then one of my fave cousins commented. She is on the side of my family I spent most of my childhood with and I always feel she needs to be thought of. She wrote this under my random things.

"Wow Lauren, I don't know what to say except that you are absolutely brilliant. Quite possibly one of the strongest people I know by the sounds of it. I think about you all often and am so grateful to know that you are thinking of me. It helps me to be OK and that is really all I can ask for. Lots of love Kerri xxx"

Town

2009-02-04T07:44:00.000-08:00

After a very long bus ride to town i managed to get the stuff i needed. Not sure about all the people asking for money mind. There were lots of save the children people out, they won't let you pass unless you talk to them. I was going to tell one guy to get lost in a more nasty way till he said where he was from, told him i pay already so leave me alone!!
ahh what fun
toodles
loz

Facebook / fave song

2009-02-03T09:26:00.000-08:00

I am on there too are you?....
one of my fave songs is below. Its from the film "departed".
My mate from work told me about it and i am constantly reminding him of the tune which gets in your head VERY easily!!
Look it up....cross between an irish jig and a rock song....mad stuff...

I'm a sailor peg
And I lost my leg
I climbed up the topsails
I lost my leg
I'm shipping up to boston
(whoa oh oh)
x3
I'm shipping off
To find my wooden leg
I'm a sailor peg
And I lost my leg
I climbed up the topsails
I lost my leg
I'm shipping up to boston
(whoa oh oh)
x3
I'm shipping off
To fing my wooden leg

2009-02-03T07:36:00.000-08:00

I set up this blog due to the fact I like typing my thoughts and i have days where i wish i could just type to vent, relax or even just talk randomly.
I will write about what annoys me, music i like and my family.
Enjoy
Loz